Month: March 2017

Does couples counseling really work? I am dubious about it.

He has been working in the private and public sectors for over 20 years; he sees adolescents, adults, couples and families. His profile and picture are on our website. We are excited to have him part of our team. Deb Graf is busy working with families on attachment therapy and Angela Waldoch

Question and Answer: Does couples counseling really work? I am dubious about it.

Answer:

Good question! And the answer is complicated and generalizations are very difficult make. First off, it’s better to go to couples counseling before things get too out of hand or one or both of you wants to leave. The earlier you have intervention the more successful counseling can be.

Second, if you go to couples counseling, you need to make changes in yourself and how you interact- patterns can be changed but it takes hard work and diligence, so be prepared to do homework and practice new behaviors! Couples counseling does not always work, there are no guarantees, and sometimes things need to come to an end, either because the relationship is too unhealthy, you grew apart, or the damage cannot be healed. Even in situations where the relationship ends, couples counseling can help you see your part in it, help keep things from getting too escalated, and make the separation go easier for both parties.

Research Update:

February 22, 2011, Chicago Tribune
Dad time can influence bullying : Kids who think their dads don’t spend enough time with them exhibit bullying behavior.

February 25, 2011, Medical News Today:

Low Self Esteem increases Prejudice: When people are feeling badly about themselves, they’re more likely to show bias against people who are different.

Feeling Stressed? Blame your raise.; February 22, 2011, The Wall Street Journal:

Individuals who make more money tend to feel more time pressure.

Blog Excerpt: From Lost In Relativity

A note on insecurities – When we are in a relationship, I do think the other can help with our insecurities and I will work with the couple on that, but ultimately, if one of the couple feels chronically insecure, it’s really their issue that they need to heal. Healing from insecurity is so freeing- it’s a journey worth taking.

Clinic news: Kettle Moraine Counseling welcomes new therapist William Driscoll!

He has been working in the private and public sectors for over 20 years; he sees adolescents, adults, couples and families. His profile and picture are on our website. We are excited to have him part of our team. Deb Graf is busy working with families on attachment therapy and Angela Waldoch will be assisting her; please see website for article Deb wrote explaining attachment therapy. Tricia Schutz recently attended some training on infant and toddler mental health – two under served populations. Layne Sampson is now a yoga teacher! The clinic has a new billing person, Dorothy Lehman, her phone number is 262.388.9425 or Dorothy@kettlemorainecounseling.com. Enjoy the warmer weather that I know is coming our way!

Devona Marshall

Attachment Challenged Children Are Biologically Unable to Attach

Exciting news from our clinic! We brought on a new therapist, Angela Waldoch, who has a strong background in Art Therapy. I have included her bio in this newsletter. Her email address is angela@kettlemorainecounseling, or you can always call if you would like more Information or to set up an

Attachment Challenged Children Are Biologically Unable to Attach

Children are born with a biological need to connect to people. The first two years are critical! Pay attention to your emotions as you read about Sammy and Tyler when they were four months old.

Sammy woke up from his nap crying. The parent picked him up saying, “Good morning, little one,” comforted him, held him close, looked into his eyes while feeding him, and changed his diaper. Afterwards, they
played. Making eye contact with Sammy, the parent smiled, cooed, stroked Sammy’s cheek, talked softly. Sammy watched and gradually started copying his parent.

In contrast, Tyler woke up from his nap crying. He was ignored for a long time. Eventually, the parent screamed, “Stop your crying!” grabbed Tyler, plopped him on a pillow, shoved a bottle in his mouth, and stormed off. In the background was chaos, swearing, yelling; and the place reeked of alcohol and drugs. The parent came back and sternly shrieked, “Ah, you stink! I’ve got to change a dirty diaper again!” While the parent roughly changed him, Tyler saw a scary grimace on his parent’s face.

Most of us would feel calm, relaxed, and “ahhhh” as we think of Sammy. With consistent positive experiences, Sammy’s brain cells connect to provide permanent hardwiring that at an unconscious level says, “I am safe. I can trust my parents. I am important.” This forms Sammy’s basic, biological expectation for his whole life.

However, with Tyler’s story most of us would feel agitated and “yucky”. With consistent negative experiences, Tyler’s brain cells connect to provide permanent hard-wiring that at an unconscious level says,
“No one will take care of me. I’m bad. This world isn’t safe.” Tyler becomes stressed and at an innate biological level is in survival mode to take care of himself.

Fast forward four years. Sammy wants to please his parents, obeys most of the time, has fun playing with his parents, explores his world, and plays with children. In contrast, Tyler has to control everything! He
emotionally connects with no one, has no desire to please anyone, has no empathy, plays by himself, and mistreats others. His brain is hardwired to be this way. It is not his choice. Tyler feels that to give up control would be to die.

Attachment Therapy

Many parents adopt needy children thinking that with their unconditional love, the child will learn to trust
and change their behavior. They soon realize that traditional parenting techniques do not work with
attachment challenged kids. In fact, the more love given, the more the child may resist. It’s disheartening
to realize that the brain connections established in the first two years of life are permanent. Is there
anything that can be done?

Yes, but only if we meet their needs on an emotional biological level. Intensive narrative attachment
therapy has had very positive results in creating new neurological connections that override the old
fear-based connections (this is called neuro-plasticity). This therapy involves parents and child, once a
week for two hours, for a total of 10 weeks.

For more information, please call Debra S. Graf, LPC. She has been trained in intensive narrative attachment
therapy and can be reached at 262-334-4340 or deb@kettlemorainecounseling.com.

Exciting news from our clinic! We brought on a new therapist, Angela Waldoch, who has a strong background in Art Therapy. I have included her bio in this newsletter. Her email address is angela@kettlemorainecounseling, or you can always call if you would like more Information or to set up an appointment- 262.334.4340. Welcome aboard Angela! Also included in this newsletter is a piece that Deb Graf wrote on what attachment therapy is and can do (one of her specialties!) Enjoy. Devona Marshall

Angela Waldoch
Sometimes talking is simply not enough. Sometimes things are just too difficult to express with words alone. Art and imagery is a universal language that can help express feelings, emotions, and stories when
words fail us.

Angela is an experienced art therapist and holds a Masters in Art Therapy with an emphasis in Counseling from Mount Mary College. She has worked with diverse individuals across the lifespan. Her areas of
interest and specialties range from:

  • Children /Adolescent behavioral and emotional issues
  • AODA
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Bereavement / Grief / Loss
  • Trauma

Angela’s approaches are grounded in her beliefs on life, love, and growth. Everyone has their own life story, complete with interpretations and unique personal experiences. She wants to provide the space where
her clients are able to share their story and make their own narrative. Angela uses strength-based approaches alongside art making and other expressive treatments when necessary, to help her clients
experience their feelings in the present, tell their story, and help make informed decisions about moving forward. We cannot control what has happened to us, but we can make informed choices that better who we are,
and where we would like to go. She would like to help you along the way.

Please call or email to schedule an appointment with Angela.

Does the Person You Love have a Drinking Problem?

I like the freshness of a new year and all of the possibilities that a new year brings. 2010 was a BIG year for Kettle Moraine Counseling- it’s the year we started! We have grown and grown and grown, which has all been good. We have more therapists and more

Question and Answer: I think my mother has a drinking problem and I don’t know if I should say something to her about it?

Here are some guidelines if you suspect that someone you are close to has a drinking problem. 1. Do not attack or blame- it won’t do any good and will create even more distance in the relationship. 2. Create as safe a place as you can for them to open up to you about their issue- doing some of your own self-disclosure about something that is difficult can help open the lines of communication. 3. You can offer support but you cannot force changes, that comes from within each of us, so keep a healthy attitude about what you can and cannot change. 4. If you do broach the subject and she becomes defensive, back down and wait for another time. 5. Take care of yourself! Remove yourself from situations that may be painful to you and do not do any rescuing (easier said than done). An excellent resource is your local Ala-non groups.

Research Updates:

Your friends aren’t as happy as they seem
December 22, 2010, Los Angeles Times

People keep their negative feelings hidden when around others which may lead them to conclude that they are more alone in their emotional difficulties than they really are.

Placebos help, even when patients know about them
December 22, 2010, MSNBC

Patients in small study reported feeling better, even when knowingly taking a sugar pill.

For LGBT teens, acceptance is critical
December 6, 2010, CNN

Family acceptance of LGBT youth predicts positive outcomes in mental health, self-esteem, and overall health status and non-heterosexual young people are more likely to receive punishments in a school or criminal justice setting

Excerpt from Mindful Living Blog: Heartbreaks

So what to do if your heart has been broken? Know that you are in good company- it’s a universal experience. Take care of yourself- eat healthy, sleep as much as you need to, reach out for support, exercise and get outdoors. Journal your feelings. Know that the pain will lessen with time. Treat yourself gently- now is not the time to criticize or blame yourself.

Then when the pain has eased some, you can look at the relationship- what did you learn from it? How did it change you? In what ways were your needs met, or not met? What patterns of behavior might you want to change? And ask yourself what is next?

Do not shut down from others and experiences! It is our natural instinct and it’s OK to do that for a while, but then we need to get back in the saddle and risk being vulnerable again.

You will feel better, I promise.

Happy New Year!! I like the freshness of a new year and all of the possibilities that a new year brings. 2010 was a BIG year for Kettle Moraine Counseling- it’s the year we started! We have grown and grown and grown, which has all been good. We have more therapists and more space. I work with a great bunch of therapists and feel blessed that they chose to work at this clinic when they would be an asset anywhere they work. The clinic has a play therapy office and also a play are for kids in the waiting room- something we are very proud of- we want the little ones to feel safe and welcome and hope that we have accomplished that. As we continue to grow, we hope to never lose that personal touch- because truly you are all important to us. Devona Marshall

 

How can we improve the sexual intimacy that we experience with our partner?

We are busy at the clinic expanding again- we got the suite next door and we will more than double the size of the waiting room, and there will be a place are in the waiting room with toys for kids to play. Also we are adding two more therapy offices-

Question and Answer: How can we improve the sexual intimacy that we experience with our partner? Can we develop a stronger emotional and physical connection?

by Layne Sampson MS LPC NCC

Intimacy is a necessity in any relationship, and can be both rewarding and difficult at times. The definition of intimacy may differ from person to person, woman to man. Does intimacy mean emotions and feelings? Or physical closeness? Or both?

Some individuals may question whether or not their partner is satisfied sexually, or if they themselves are enjoying being intimate with their partner. Some may want increased emotional rather than physical intimacy, or vice versa. Some couples may have ongoing concerns about their sex lives, experience jealousy, low self-esteem, fertility concerns, have experienced an event such as an affair, or may have different interests in the bedroom than their partner has. All of these concerns are important, and could lead to increased distress and relationship difficulties. Sometimes these difficulties may manifest themselves outside of the bedroom, and affect the partnership in a more intense way.

A few simple tips for improved sexual and emotional intimacy:

  • Communicate with your partner 2-3 things that you enjoy about being intimate with them, and 1 thing you would like them to do more of.
  • Spice up your surroundings (think room setting, music, temperature, aromas).
  • Look into each other’s eyes for at least 2 minutes—no laughing or looking away!
  • Tell your partner something that you would enjoy in the bedroom if your sexual desires were to be catered to.
  • Remove one of your senses (think sight, sound, touch).
  • Reminisce about your first date, your first sexual experience together, or your favorite experience together.
  • Each partner plan a date night—their choice! (then switch!)

The hope is that there are more rewarding and positive intimate experiences (physical and emotional), gained through increased communication, bonding experiences, and true intimacy and connection on various levels.

“True intimacy is a human constant. People of all types find it equally hard to achieve, equally precious to hold…” ~Robert Grudin

Blog Excerpt: Mindful Living: Being a Team

If you are in a relationship (and you are stubborn) it’s best to try and and see the other’s point of view, and not be overly committed to how you see things. If you are willing to see that you are TEAM and you want a win win situation, the relationship becomes much easier and you become closer! www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Recommended Reading for couples:

  • Anything by John Gottman
  • The Five Languages of Love
  • Getting the Love you Want
  • Take the Myers-Briggs Personality Profile
  • Please Understand Me II

  • From the Director:

    We are busy at the clinic expanding again- we got the suite next door and we will more than double the size of the waiting room, and there will be a place are in the waiting room with toys for kids to play. Also we are adding two more therapy offices- we have been busy- thank you for all who are clients or who refer to us!

    This newsletter is about couples issues. Intimacy can be hard to achieve- we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with another and to not let our wounds interfere too much. It is worth it to take risks to be close to another. I will be married for 19 years this month, and I encourage all couples to have a “state of the union” talk about the relationship at least every anniversary. Ask each other: What is working? Where are we at emotionally, physically? How much do we trust each other? What things would you like to improve? Checking in with each other often (at the minimum on your anniversary) will help you to fix things before they get too large, and allows you to celebrate the good things!

    At my home our new puppy is finally calming down a bit and is almost housetrained- it’s been quite a few years since I had a puppy to train, and it’s pretty exhausting. Fun, but tiring. She loves to sit on our laps, but I don’t know what will happen when she gets full sized!

    Enjoy your holidays! Devona Marshall- Clinic Director/Psychotherapist

     

What if I Hate the Holidays?

We got a new puppy at our house- and it’s been a lot of work, but also a lot of fun. She is very cute and also mouthy. Our vet gave her a clean bill of health today- her name is Jordyn and we are looking forward to many years with her!

Question and Answer:

“I hate the holidays! I don’t find any meaning in them and just can’t wait until it’s all over. Please help……..”

I understand this problem because I have experienced it myself! It can be hard to find meaning in our holidays when they are filled with the excesses of consumerism, but it is possible. First, lower your expectations- do not expect the holidays of your dreams or our cultures dreams- it usually does not exist for most of us. There probably will be some fighting, too much drinking, and not enough money. Pick out what you do enjoy and focus in on that- the decorations, baking, music or visiting. Ask yourself what is meaningful to me, and then do it!

Start new traditions if the old don’t do it for you anymore. In our family, one of our traditions (that my husband and I started) is to buy an ornament for that year that symbolized something that we went through during the year. So, we have school buses for when the kids entered grade school, a golden retriever ornament for when Lucky came into our lives, a new house ornament for the year we bought our house, etc. We all look forward to looking at the ornaments each year and it’s a wonderful trip down memory lane.

Many people feel lack of meaning around the holidays, so be gentle with yourself!

Research update:

From Stanford University October 2010:

As we age we are more emotionally balanced, we get along with others better and we are more compassionate. Good news!

Blog excerpt Mindful Living:

Holiday Expectations
Although I think my journey to peace with the holidays is not finished yet, I do think some things can help many of us have more contentment around the season. The first is to watch your expectations, about family connections, food, gifts, etc, and know that “it is what it is”. Your family may not be the “Cleavers” but it doesn’t mean that your family isn’t unique- celebrate your differences! Start new family traditions that mean something to you- snowy walks, singing, movies, baking, playing games, midnight church-anything that brings meaning or fun. Remember you are not alone!

www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Kettle Moraine Counseling has openings for clients! And we can usually get people in that day or the following day. We take most insurance, and also, work out payment arrangements when needed.

From the director:

We got a new puppy at our house- and it’s been a lot of work, but also a lot of fun. She is very cute and also mouthy. Our vet gave her a clean bill of health today- her name is Jordyn and we are looking forward to many years with her!

Things are going well at our clinic, and we may be expanding again-

More room for kids to play and spread out. The extra suite should open Dec. 1st or so. If you ever want a tour or look around, let me know- I love to show off our place! Deb Graf is getting training on Attachment Therapy and Eating Disorders. Layne is training on being a yoga instructor. Tricia and Julianne presented training on students and mental health to the WB School District. Lori presented on seasonal affective disorder to a local business, and Julianne recently attended training on divorce mediation. Busy staff! We are available for presentations/speaking on many topics- please contact Devona for information.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays- and I hope you enjoy your day, and share what you are thankful for because there are so many blessings in our lives if we really think about it! This year I am thankful for my new pup, the economy improving, woodstoves to keep us warm, and that Kettle Moraine Counseling has only been open since March 1st but it is doing so well. Thank you for trusting us with your/others care! Devona Marshall