Month: March 2017

How can we improve the sexual intimacy that we experience with our partner?

We are busy at the clinic expanding again- we got the suite next door and we will more than double the size of the waiting room, and there will be a place are in the waiting room with toys for kids to play. Also we are adding two more therapy offices-

Question and Answer: How can we improve the sexual intimacy that we experience with our partner? Can we develop a stronger emotional and physical connection?

by Layne Sampson MS LPC NCC

Intimacy is a necessity in any relationship, and can be both rewarding and difficult at times. The definition of intimacy may differ from person to person, woman to man. Does intimacy mean emotions and feelings? Or physical closeness? Or both?

Some individuals may question whether or not their partner is satisfied sexually, or if they themselves are enjoying being intimate with their partner. Some may want increased emotional rather than physical intimacy, or vice versa. Some couples may have ongoing concerns about their sex lives, experience jealousy, low self-esteem, fertility concerns, have experienced an event such as an affair, or may have different interests in the bedroom than their partner has. All of these concerns are important, and could lead to increased distress and relationship difficulties. Sometimes these difficulties may manifest themselves outside of the bedroom, and affect the partnership in a more intense way.

A few simple tips for improved sexual and emotional intimacy:

  • Communicate with your partner 2-3 things that you enjoy about being intimate with them, and 1 thing you would like them to do more of.
  • Spice up your surroundings (think room setting, music, temperature, aromas).
  • Look into each other’s eyes for at least 2 minutes—no laughing or looking away!
  • Tell your partner something that you would enjoy in the bedroom if your sexual desires were to be catered to.
  • Remove one of your senses (think sight, sound, touch).
  • Reminisce about your first date, your first sexual experience together, or your favorite experience together.
  • Each partner plan a date night—their choice! (then switch!)

The hope is that there are more rewarding and positive intimate experiences (physical and emotional), gained through increased communication, bonding experiences, and true intimacy and connection on various levels.

“True intimacy is a human constant. People of all types find it equally hard to achieve, equally precious to hold…” ~Robert Grudin

Blog Excerpt: Mindful Living: Being a Team

If you are in a relationship (and you are stubborn) it’s best to try and and see the other’s point of view, and not be overly committed to how you see things. If you are willing to see that you are TEAM and you want a win win situation, the relationship becomes much easier and you become closer! www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Recommended Reading for couples:

  • Anything by John Gottman
  • The Five Languages of Love
  • Getting the Love you Want
  • Take the Myers-Briggs Personality Profile
  • Please Understand Me II

  • From the Director:

    We are busy at the clinic expanding again- we got the suite next door and we will more than double the size of the waiting room, and there will be a place are in the waiting room with toys for kids to play. Also we are adding two more therapy offices- we have been busy- thank you for all who are clients or who refer to us!

    This newsletter is about couples issues. Intimacy can be hard to achieve- we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with another and to not let our wounds interfere too much. It is worth it to take risks to be close to another. I will be married for 19 years this month, and I encourage all couples to have a “state of the union” talk about the relationship at least every anniversary. Ask each other: What is working? Where are we at emotionally, physically? How much do we trust each other? What things would you like to improve? Checking in with each other often (at the minimum on your anniversary) will help you to fix things before they get too large, and allows you to celebrate the good things!

    At my home our new puppy is finally calming down a bit and is almost housetrained- it’s been quite a few years since I had a puppy to train, and it’s pretty exhausting. Fun, but tiring. She loves to sit on our laps, but I don’t know what will happen when she gets full sized!

    Enjoy your holidays! Devona Marshall- Clinic Director/Psychotherapist

     

What if I Hate the Holidays?

We got a new puppy at our house- and it’s been a lot of work, but also a lot of fun. She is very cute and also mouthy. Our vet gave her a clean bill of health today- her name is Jordyn and we are looking forward to many years with her!

Question and Answer:

“I hate the holidays! I don’t find any meaning in them and just can’t wait until it’s all over. Please help……..”

I understand this problem because I have experienced it myself! It can be hard to find meaning in our holidays when they are filled with the excesses of consumerism, but it is possible. First, lower your expectations- do not expect the holidays of your dreams or our cultures dreams- it usually does not exist for most of us. There probably will be some fighting, too much drinking, and not enough money. Pick out what you do enjoy and focus in on that- the decorations, baking, music or visiting. Ask yourself what is meaningful to me, and then do it!

Start new traditions if the old don’t do it for you anymore. In our family, one of our traditions (that my husband and I started) is to buy an ornament for that year that symbolized something that we went through during the year. So, we have school buses for when the kids entered grade school, a golden retriever ornament for when Lucky came into our lives, a new house ornament for the year we bought our house, etc. We all look forward to looking at the ornaments each year and it’s a wonderful trip down memory lane.

Many people feel lack of meaning around the holidays, so be gentle with yourself!

Research update:

From Stanford University October 2010:

As we age we are more emotionally balanced, we get along with others better and we are more compassionate. Good news!

Blog excerpt Mindful Living:

Holiday Expectations
Although I think my journey to peace with the holidays is not finished yet, I do think some things can help many of us have more contentment around the season. The first is to watch your expectations, about family connections, food, gifts, etc, and know that “it is what it is”. Your family may not be the “Cleavers” but it doesn’t mean that your family isn’t unique- celebrate your differences! Start new family traditions that mean something to you- snowy walks, singing, movies, baking, playing games, midnight church-anything that brings meaning or fun. Remember you are not alone!

www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Kettle Moraine Counseling has openings for clients! And we can usually get people in that day or the following day. We take most insurance, and also, work out payment arrangements when needed.

From the director:

We got a new puppy at our house- and it’s been a lot of work, but also a lot of fun. She is very cute and also mouthy. Our vet gave her a clean bill of health today- her name is Jordyn and we are looking forward to many years with her!

Things are going well at our clinic, and we may be expanding again-

More room for kids to play and spread out. The extra suite should open Dec. 1st or so. If you ever want a tour or look around, let me know- I love to show off our place! Deb Graf is getting training on Attachment Therapy and Eating Disorders. Layne is training on being a yoga instructor. Tricia and Julianne presented training on students and mental health to the WB School District. Lori presented on seasonal affective disorder to a local business, and Julianne recently attended training on divorce mediation. Busy staff! We are available for presentations/speaking on many topics- please contact Devona for information.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays- and I hope you enjoy your day, and share what you are thankful for because there are so many blessings in our lives if we really think about it! This year I am thankful for my new pup, the economy improving, woodstoves to keep us warm, and that Kettle Moraine Counseling has only been open since March 1st but it is doing so well. Thank you for trusting us with your/others care! Devona Marshall

 

Why am I always Stressed Out and Irritable?

Deb Graf sees children, adolescents, adults and couples and she comes with many years of experience as a teacher. One of Deb’s specialties is working with children who have experienced trauma or have attachment issues.

 

Question and Answer.
I feel so stressed out and irritable all the time! What are some ways I can get a handle of this?

First off, good job recognizing that something needs to change! There are many reasons why we feel a lot of stress and many ways to make changes in our stress level. First off, try and identify which areas of your life cause the most stress (work, family, finances, physical health, etc) and then deal with each area individually. For example, if getting the kids off to school is a very difficult part of your day, there are organizational things you can do to make it easier, the same with supper time, or with taking better care of yourself. Getting more organized will help enormously on your stress level.

Next, there are some general stress reduction tips that work for many of us. How we label an event or situation greatly contributes to how we feel about it- so putting things in a more positive light helps us to feel better about it (reframing). Get support- our relationships are important, and nourishing those relationships is a huge stress reducer (as long as the relationships are conflict ridden). Physical activity is important for reducing stress so make time to take a walk, ride a bike, or do yoga. Particularly doing an activity in nature is even more healing. Touching is a big stress reducer for me- hugging or holding hands with my husband almost always brings my stress down a few notches. Reduce your internet and TV time- these can be huge time wasters. Don’t cut them out because a certain level is fun and stress reducing, but watching/surfing too much causes our stress to rise. And finally, don’t beat yourself up! Be gentle and encouraging with yourself and you will find that will translate to other relationships also.

Excerpt from blog Mindful Living: Self Esteem

What is self esteem? It seems like a not so well defined word that we use a lot in daily life. I see many people who think they do not have high self esteem, and it always takes some digging to find out what that means to them.

How I define self esteem is this sturdiness inside, and a love for ourselves on a deep level, even with our imperfections. It’s the sense that we know we are OK. The most beautiful part of knowing that we are OK, is that others are OK then too- and that is very powerful for relationships and healing. www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Kettle Moraine Counseling has openings for clients! And we can usually get people in that day or the following day. We take most insurance, and also, work out payment arrangements when needed.

Research:

Chronic Stress Linked to Obesity; September 5, 2010, PsychCentral : Everyday stress can cause metabolic changes that, in the long run, contribute to obesity.

We are happy to announce 2 new therapists joining us!

Deb Graf sees children, adolescents, adults and couples and she comes with many years of experience as a teacher. One of Deb’s specialties is working with children who have experienced trauma or have attachment issues.

Layne Sampson is another new therapist who is energetic, accepting of others and very skilled. She sees adolescents, adults and couples and one of her specialties is intimacy/couples issues. Layne is also working on becoming a yoga instructor!

Kettle Moraine Counseling now has a play therapy room (pictures coming soon)! It’s a wonderful, safe place for children to explore, heal and express themselves.

I don’t know how to punish my teen for “bad behavior” – nothing works

This summer hasn’t been easy without central air conditioning! The mugginess really got to me, but as I write this newsletter, the weather is perfect- high of mid 70’s during the day and lows in the 50’s at night- very good sleeping weather.

Question of the Month: I don’t know how to punish my teen for “bad behavior” – nothing works and I am frustrated and angry.

This is so common- the punishments and rewards we used on our children when they were younger, do not work when they become pre-teenage and teenage. We need to parent differently and it isn’t always easy. Here are a few tips to make it easier on you and them! 1. use phone/ TV/ internet as rewards and/or punishments, but in SHORT time frames; when we take things away for too long a time, they lose interest, and feel like they will never dig themselves out of the hole they created- a day, a weekend of losing a privilege is usually a long enough time, although I have taken my daughter’s cell phone away until her grades got up to C’s (which took much longer!). 2. the same time frames should work with grounding- don’t let the hole get too big- even day by day is a good time frame to get cooperation and compliance. 3. when they are earning rewards, shorter time frame again- letting them know they are making progress toward BIG rewards is good, such as putting money aside for the cell phone/ipod, etc. 4. try and let the “clean your room”, not be your standards- it’s a losing fight with most kids so just close the door and ignore it. 5. follow through- do not make idle threats- they don’t work and your child knows that. 6. pick your battles – say yes when you can and NO when it really counts. 7. Talk to them often, focus on their good qualities, let them know you see the good in them, and remember the teen brain is still developing. It will get easier. I promise!
Devona L Marshall sees teens, individuals, families and couples in her practice. She is a parent of 3 and understands the challenges and rewards in parenting as our children start to spread their wings. She can be reached at Devona@kettlemorainecounseling.com

We have openings for new clients and accept new referrals! We are on most insurance panels, and we have day, evening and weekend hours for your convenience.

We also have 2 new therapists starting in the next few weeks who will join our experienced team. The September newsletter will highlight those ladies and their expertise.

August 2010 Newsletter of Kettle Moraine Counseling Services!

This summer hasn’t been easy without central air conditioning! The mugginess really got to me, but as I write this newsletter, the weather is perfect- high of mid 70’s during the day and lows in the 50’s at night- very good sleeping weather.

We have been trying to get the kids on a better sleeping regiment in anticipation of school starting- but it hasn’t been going too well. Thank goodness we have a few weeks yet to change these habits.

Most of us as parents want to start the school year off on a good foot. Here are some tips to make that happen:

  • Start the sleep schedule a few weeks ahead of time.
  • Try and be consistent with schedules and meal times. Healthy eating and exercise can go a long way in helping us feel strong and adapt to change.
  • Make homework a priority and part of the routine. When doesn’t matter, but a routine does. As your children get older, give them more responsibility for it. Parents won’t always be there and giving them the responsibility is good for their development.
  • Encourage a lot of sleep the first 2 weeks because the adjustment can be difficult on their bodies- from the lazy days of summer to all day in school.

Have fun on the weekends! The summer will still be here for a few weeks after school starts, and make it a point to enjoy it while it is still here- swim, look at the stars, grill out- just enjoy those last days of summer.

Research Update:

August 6, 2010, USA Today Web use may be linked to depression. Teens who spend far too much time on the Internet run the risk of developing depression, a new study suggests.

Traumatic sexual incidents may cause serious mental health problems in the years after the events. From Medical News Today July 2010.

I am having trouble communicating with my partner.

The heat is on! Plants are growing- I got my first cucumber off my plant this past week, and the grape tomatoes are on the plants, but not ready for picking yet. On my bike ride, I see a lot of wild raspberries ready for picking, and I hope to make it to the strawberry patch

 

Question of the month: I am having trouble communicating with my partner.

When I discuss this with my friends, they say all marriages are difficult and I shouldn’t worry. What are some warning signs that my spouse and I might be headed for trouble?
Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington , one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90% accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied “love lab,” Gottman studies how couples communicate in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four problematic behavior patterns. He refers to them as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism focuses on the person rather than on a behavior. “You are so lazy. You did not do anything with the kids today.”

Horseman #2: Contempt
Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Criticism + Contempt = Defensiveness. Defensive statements become regular patterns in relationships where contempt and criticism flow frequently. Defensiveness builds walls and blocks healing and forgiveness.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Stonewallers withdraw and essentially give up emotionally.

Start to look for these patterns in your communication with your partner. Although it may seem overwhelming, some simple techniques can make big changes. Consider reading some of Gottman’s work or attending a couple’s session to learn some new skills.

Lori Landy MSW LCSW SAC sees adults and couples and can be reached at lori@kettlemorainecounseling.com or 262.334.4340

Research Highlights:

Is exercise the best drug for depression? June 19, 2010 , TIME Magazine

Despite limited data, the trials all seem to point in the same direction: Exercise boosts mood. It not only relieves depressive symptoms, but appears to prevent them from recurring.

Quitting smoking may ease stress levels June 16, 2010 , Reuters

Smokers often say they need a cigarette to calm their nerves, but a new study suggests that after a person kicks the habit, chronic stress levels may go down.

Brain scans show how meditation calms pain June 13, 2010 , USA TODAY

People who routinely practice meditation may be better able to deal with pain because their brains are less focused on anticipating pain, a new study suggests.

Blog Excerpt: www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com from Honoring Endings

We need to honor our endings and our new beginnings. It’s not only healing for us but also can help with grieving and anxiety. If we don’t properly acknowledge a loss that energy or emotion can get “stuck” and can prevent us from moving on or fully engaging in our new life. Processing a new beginning and what it all means and how life will change is very helpful (for all of us that have had babies- you know what I mean!) Showers, weddings, funerals and all the planning that goes with them can be great ways of recognizing and honoring the changes in our lives, especially if we do them in a very thoughtful, introspective way.

From the Director

The heat is on! Plants are growing- I got my first cucumber off my plant this past week, and the grape tomatoes are on the plants, but not ready for picking yet. On my bike ride, I see a lot of wild raspberries ready for picking, and I hope to make it to the strawberry patch soon- yummy strawberry shortcake. I hope you enjoy your summer- moonlit strolls, grill outs, and fireflies!
Devona

Don’t over schedule your children this summer- down time is essential for imagination and play!