Tag: Couples Counseling

Question and Answer:

My partner and I are both so defensive that we can’t communicate about anything anymore. Help!

Learn some basic communication tools and stick with them- such as using “I” statements, and making a pact to not blame or cut each other down. Then, understand what is happening is that each of you do not feel understood by the other, and the goal is to listen and acknowledge what the other is saying.
When communicating about heated topics, searching for and acknowledging areas of agreement can be very powerful in helping both parties feel understood and to reduce the chances of stalemate. For example, if you are disagreeing over discipline for your teen, acknowledging that you both love the child and are trying to do what is best can greatly reduce the defensiveness and eventually lead to solutions you both feel comfortable with.

So often in our arguments with our significant other, we don’t necessarily want to “win”, we want to feel understood, and when we feel understood, we are much more willing to look for areas of compromise. This works with kids too!

Excerpt from Mindful Living Blog: Healing Stories

Telling stories can be a fun activity, but it is also good for you! When we share stories of how we grew up, our parents or extended families, we build upon the connections and it helps shape our identity. Telling stories helps us see that we are part of something much larger than ourselves.

Research:

Marriage: It’s not if you fight, but how you fight, that can help or hurt.
However, if fighting is inevitable, why do so many marriages last—and, indeed, thrive—for a lifetime? The answer isn’t whether or not you fight, but how you go about it. The couples who have learned how to fight fairly, and also when to just walk away have stronger/healthier marriages!
Time Magazine, Sept. 29, 2010

From the director:

The leaves are turning colors and it gets chilly at night. I love the cooler air! We are walking more at night as a family and that’s been a very nice experience and good time to talk. At the clinic, our two new therapists (Deb Graf and Layne Sampson) are up and running and doing great. Tricia Schutz has expanded her hours due to high demand and it’s been nice having her around more. The play therapy room has been a hit so far with kids, and we are so happy to be able to offer that service to the community. Thank you, to our clients and others who refer to us- we appreciate it and will continue to practice with integrity and skill.

 

Question and Answer: I have no libido, and it’s really affecting my marriage. Please help!

Ok. Don’t panic. You are not alone. Although I have seen both men and women with low sex drives (or nonexistent), in my practice, it tends to be more of a woman complaint. There can be many reasons for low libido- from the physical, emotional and relational. It’s always best to rule out any physical reasons to start with- medications, especially antidepressants are notorious for reducing and even eliminating sex drives. High blood pressure, hormone changes and diabetes can affect libido along with many other physical ailments, so get a check up and talk to your doctor to see if this could be the problem. Physical exercise can help increase sex drive, so sweat a little! Then if you are fine physically, look at emotional issues- depressed people tend to have low libido, as can grief or just feeling overwhelmed, tired and overworked. Lastly, how is your relationship doing? Do you feel connected, listened to and heard? Have you been taking the time to be together and to enjoy touching each other in a nonsexual way? Often times it is a relationship issue that can be worked out in couple’s therapy by strengthening the connections. Take a multi modal approach to looking at the causes, and then have a plan of action to fix what you can!

Research Update:

Love Study:
Brain Reacts To Heartbreak Same As Physical Pain Love hurts, and that is not just a saying for the broken hearted. Heartbreak is a very strange distress. It is exquisitely painful, and yet we cannot find an injury on our body. New research finds that when you reminisce about the one that got away, the brain actually triggers sensations that you also feel in times of “real” physical pain, making heartbreak truly, physically painful to add to the emotional distress it sometimes causes. From Medical News Today, March 28, 2011

Impact Of A Bad Job On Mental Health As Harmful As No Job At All The impact on mental health of a badly paid, poorly supported, or short term job can be as harmful as no job at all, indicates research published online in Occupational and Environmental Medicine.

Blog Excerpt:

Often times as a therapist when I see clients for feeling general malaise, or down, I see a connection to the lack of intimacy in their lives. They may be married and have many people in their lives, but they don’t feel close; they don’t share the “soft underbelly” of their emotional life. I believe we heal in relationship to others, (and sometimes that other is a therapist) but most often it is the loved ones already in our lives. In therapy by having the client connect with me and share their inner worlds, it often naturally extends to them sharing with others in their lives, and the depression lifts. What’s really cool is that the current research on the brain and attachment is giving us scientific evidence on the healing powers of relationship!

www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com We all need intimacy

From the director:

We are busy expanding our offices again! In the next few weeks we will have a therapy office devoted to art therapy- for children and adults. Although all the therapists can use the office, one of our therapists (Angela Waldoch) in particular has been waiting for a place to put her art therapy supplies, and now it’s happening. If art therapy is an interest of yours- you can contact Angela at the clinic. She is accepting new clients. For those of you that have been following my “puppy chronicles”, I am happy to report she has calmed down a lot! Jordyn is now 8 months old, and besides a recent trip in a police car, she is listening much better, and is a regular part of our family. We did get the back yard completely fenced in so that she will not have anymore trips in the back of a squad! Enjoy the spring weather, and especially the sunshine. Til next time, be gentle with yourself and others, Devona Marshall

Question and Answer: Does couples counseling really work? I am dubious about it.

Answer:

Good question! And the answer is complicated and generalizations are very difficult make. First off, it’s better to go to couples counseling before things get too out of hand or one or both of you wants to leave. The earlier you have intervention the more successful counseling can be.

Second, if you go to couples counseling, you need to make changes in yourself and how you interact- patterns can be changed but it takes hard work and diligence, so be prepared to do homework and practice new behaviors! Couples counseling does not always work, there are no guarantees, and sometimes things need to come to an end, either because the relationship is too unhealthy, you grew apart, or the damage cannot be healed. Even in situations where the relationship ends, couples counseling can help you see your part in it, help keep things from getting too escalated, and make the separation go easier for both parties.

Research Update:

February 22, 2011, Chicago Tribune
Dad time can influence bullying : Kids who think their dads don’t spend enough time with them exhibit bullying behavior.

February 25, 2011, Medical News Today:

Low Self Esteem increases Prejudice: When people are feeling badly about themselves, they’re more likely to show bias against people who are different.

Feeling Stressed? Blame your raise.; February 22, 2011, The Wall Street Journal:

Individuals who make more money tend to feel more time pressure.

Blog Excerpt: From Lost In Relativity

A note on insecurities – When we are in a relationship, I do think the other can help with our insecurities and I will work with the couple on that, but ultimately, if one of the couple feels chronically insecure, it’s really their issue that they need to heal. Healing from insecurity is so freeing- it’s a journey worth taking.

Clinic news: Kettle Moraine Counseling welcomes new therapist William Driscoll!

He has been working in the private and public sectors for over 20 years; he sees adolescents, adults, couples and families. His profile and picture are on our website. We are excited to have him part of our team. Deb Graf is busy working with families on attachment therapy and Angela Waldoch will be assisting her; please see website for article Deb wrote explaining attachment therapy. Tricia Schutz recently attended some training on infant and toddler mental health – two under served populations. Layne Sampson is now a yoga teacher! The clinic has a new billing person, Dorothy Lehman, her phone number is 262.388.9425 or Dorothy@kettlemorainecounseling.com. Enjoy the warmer weather that I know is coming our way!

Devona Marshall

Question and Answer: How can we improve the sexual intimacy that we experience with our partner? Can we develop a stronger emotional and physical connection?

by Layne Sampson MS LPC NCC

Intimacy is a necessity in any relationship, and can be both rewarding and difficult at times. The definition of intimacy may differ from person to person, woman to man. Does intimacy mean emotions and feelings? Or physical closeness? Or both?

Some individuals may question whether or not their partner is satisfied sexually, or if they themselves are enjoying being intimate with their partner. Some may want increased emotional rather than physical intimacy, or vice versa. Some couples may have ongoing concerns about their sex lives, experience jealousy, low self-esteem, fertility concerns, have experienced an event such as an affair, or may have different interests in the bedroom than their partner has. All of these concerns are important, and could lead to increased distress and relationship difficulties. Sometimes these difficulties may manifest themselves outside of the bedroom, and affect the partnership in a more intense way.

A few simple tips for improved sexual and emotional intimacy:

• Communicate with your partner 2-3 things that you enjoy about being intimate with them, and 1 thing you would like them to do more of.
• Spice up your surroundings (think room setting, music, temperature, aromas).
• Look into each other’s eyes for at least 2 minutes—no laughing or looking away!
• Tell your partner something that you would enjoy in the bedroom if your sexual desires were to be catered to.
• Remove one of your senses (think sight, sound, touch).
• Reminisce about your first date, your first sexual experience together, or your favorite experience together.
• Each partner plan a date night—their choice! (then switch!)

The hope is that there are more rewarding and positive intimate experiences (physical and emotional), gained through increased communication, bonding experiences, and true intimacy and connection on various levels.

“True intimacy is a human constant. People of all types find it equally hard to achieve, equally precious to hold…” ~Robert Grudin

Blog Excerpt: Mindful Living: Being a Team

If you are in a relationship (and you are stubborn) it’s best to try and and see the other’s point of view, and not be overly committed to how you see things. If you are willing to see that you are TEAM and you want a win win situation, the relationship becomes much easier and you become closer! www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Recommended Reading for couples:

• Anything by John Gottman
• The Five Languages of Love
• Getting the Love you Want
• Take the Myers-Briggs Personality Profile
• Please Understand Me II

• From the Director:

  We are busy at the clinic expanding again- we got the suite next door and we will more than double the size of the waiting room, and there will be a place are in the waiting room with toys for kids to play. Also we are adding two more therapy offices- we have been busy- thank you for all who are clients or who refer to us!

  This newsletter is about couples issues. Intimacy can be hard to achieve- we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with another and to not let our wounds interfere too much. It is worth it to take risks to be close to another. I will be married for 19 years this month, and I encourage all couples to have a “state of the union” talk about the relationship at least every anniversary. Ask each other: What is working? Where are we at emotionally, physically? How much do we trust each other? What things would you like to improve? Checking in with each other often (at the minimum on your anniversary) will help you to fix things before they get too large, and allows you to celebrate the good things!

  At my home our new puppy is finally calming down a bit and is almost housetrained- it’s been quite a few years since I had a puppy to train, and it’s pretty exhausting. Fun, but tiring. She loves to sit on our laps, but I don’t know what will happen when she gets full sized!

  Enjoy your holidays! Devona Marshall- Clinic Director/Psychotherapist

   

 

Question of the month: I am having trouble communicating with my partner.

When I discuss this with my friends, they say all marriages are difficult and I shouldn’t worry. What are some warning signs that my spouse and I might be headed for trouble?
Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington , one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90% accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied “love lab,” Gottman studies how couples communicate in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four problematic behavior patterns. He refers to them as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism focuses on the person rather than on a behavior. “You are so lazy. You did not do anything with the kids today.”

Horseman #2: Contempt
Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Criticism + Contempt = Defensiveness. Defensive statements become regular patterns in relationships where contempt and criticism flow frequently. Defensiveness builds walls and blocks healing and forgiveness.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Stonewallers withdraw and essentially give up emotionally.

Start to look for these patterns in your communication with your partner. Although it may seem overwhelming, some simple techniques can make big changes. Consider reading some of Gottman’s work or attending a couple’s session to learn some new skills.

Lori Landy MSW LCSW SAC sees adults and couples and can be reached at lori@kettlemorainecounseling.com or 262.334.4340

Research Highlights:

Is exercise the best drug for depression? June 19, 2010 , TIME Magazine

Despite limited data, the trials all seem to point in the same direction: Exercise boosts mood. It not only relieves depressive symptoms, but appears to prevent them from recurring.

Quitting smoking may ease stress levels June 16, 2010 , Reuters

Smokers often say they need a cigarette to calm their nerves, but a new study suggests that after a person kicks the habit, chronic stress levels may go down.

Brain scans show how meditation calms pain June 13, 2010 , USA TODAY

People who routinely practice meditation may be better able to deal with pain because their brains are less focused on anticipating pain, a new study suggests.

Blog Excerpt: www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com from Honoring Endings

We need to honor our endings and our new beginnings. It’s not only healing for us but also can help with grieving and anxiety. If we don’t properly acknowledge a loss that energy or emotion can get “stuck” and can prevent us from moving on or fully engaging in our new life. Processing a new beginning and what it all means and how life will change is very helpful (for all of us that have had babies- you know what I mean!) Showers, weddings, funerals and all the planning that goes with them can be great ways of recognizing and honoring the changes in our lives, especially if we do them in a very thoughtful, introspective way.

From the Director

The heat is on! Plants are growing- I got my first cucumber off my plant this past week, and the grape tomatoes are on the plants, but not ready for picking yet. On my bike ride, I see a lot of wild raspberries ready for picking, and I hope to make it to the strawberry patch soon- yummy strawberry shortcake. I hope you enjoy your summer- moonlit strolls, grill outs, and fireflies!
Devona

Don’t over schedule your children this summer- down time is essential for imagination and play!