Tag: Child Counseling

Back to school time!! Our youngest, Lara, starts her last year of high school tomorrow. It’s my last year sending a child to school, and if feels bittersweet. We will take a picture of her on the porch with our dog like we do every year, and she will be so tired when she gets home; she is going to pay for all the late summer nights. Good luck to all the parents and kids going back to school. This newsletter features some articles on how to make the transition easier on the whole family. I have been expanding my reading repertoire lately; just finished Truman (home spun ethical man), and Glass Castle (a memoir on an unusual family, which made me thankful for regular meals!). Next I am reading Thinking, Fast and Slow, then onto Truck and Coop by a northern Wisconsin writer. With the days getting shorter I will have more time to read, as long as I stay away from TV ; ). Enjoy the cooler weather and be good to yourself! Devona Marshall Clinic Director

Easing into School

Here are some tips from a mother of 3 (me!) on how to make the transition back to school easier for all of you:

• Go to sleep early and avoid naps! This tip is mainly for you Lara!
• Have a healthy snack ready for after school because most children will be hungry when they get home.
• Try and have family dinners more often than not.
• Keep on top of homework early in the semester; don’t wait until it’s too late to catch up. Another tip for Lara! ; )
• Stay organized, both at home and school.
• Spend time outdoors- its stress reducing and healthy.
• Avoid the drama of teenage girls; be the girl who is kind to others and does not put anyone down.
• Try something new! A new sport, hobby or extracurricular activity.
• Have some family fun, even if it’s just on the weekend.
• You will all probably be tired and crabby for a few weeks- expect it and be extra kind to each other

Research Review:

A worksheet for math-phobic parents
August 29, 2012, Wall Street Journal
Parents who often talk to their youngsters about numbers, and explain spatial relationships in gestures and words, tend to instill better math skills, according to a study.

Delayed development: Blame the 20-something brain
August 21, 2012, Wall Street Journal
Recent research into how the brain develops suggests that people are better equipped to make major life decisions in their late 20s than earlier in the decade.

Focusing on children, not relationship problems helps separated couples
August 17, 2012, Medical News Today
Hostile relationships can improve when ex-spouses set aside their differences and focus on their children’s needs.

Blog Archive:

On being Kind
Many of us were not raised with good role models for self kindness, but that’s OK, it’s not an excuse to not treat yourself gently now. Perhaps you grew up in a home where criticism was rampant; they didn’t know any better. And the people I meet who are most critical of others, are often the hardest on themselves (sometimes secretly).

Those of us who are the most compassionate with ourselves are also the kindest to others. It’s a win-win for the world.

Whoever Said That Parenting Is The Hardest Job We’ll Ever Have, Had It Right

Often times parents will come to my office and describe feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to cope with challenging parenting situations. They tell me they feel exhausted both physically and emotionally. They have tried different disciplinary strategies, read parenting books, talked to their family doctor and of course their friends and family.

With a smattering of differing advice, they are left feeling depleted and confused, wondering if they are the “good parents” they have always aspired to be. Children are not born with an instruction manual. And unfortunately, our growing children do not come with software updates like our laptops and iPhones do.

As the newer versions of our children emerge, we are left scrambling trying to decide how to parent next. Suddenly our old methods are obsolete and our former way of communicating is no longer compatible. Just when we feel like we’ve got it figured out, we as parents need an upgrade.

Every child, parent or caregiver is unique, but some things are universally applicable. Children, especially preschool age children, want our undivided attention. We may just be someone in the world, but to our children we are the world. Children want to sit with us, play with us, read with us, be silly with us, and be reassured that they the center of our universe too.

This is hard to do with one hand on our Blackberry and one eye on our email or text messages. The quality of the relationship we have with our children can remedy even the most challenging situations. Building and maintaining quality relationships with our children is not a quick and easy thing to do. It requires a great deal of patience, tolerance, kindness, and unconditional love. It is a never ending, all encompassing, anxiety provoking marathon through the streets of Figure-It-Out-As-I-Go-Land. But the rewards are unlike anything else in this world.

The sense of being connected and securely attached to your child is worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears. Sometimes, as parents, we need support along the way, just as the marathon runners need someone to hand them a cup of water every few miles.

Counseling can replenish the emotional energy that has been spent and help us refocus our efforts in ways that make everyone happy. Counseling with parents, children, and families comes in many forms and is initially sought for many different reasons, but the overall underlying goal is usually same: To enrich the quality of relationships allowing for communication of social and emotional needs. The right combination of love and discipline will go a long way; it is a timeless approach to parenting that will remain as trends come and go.

Tricia Schutz MSW, LCSW is a psychotherapist at Kettle Moraine Counseling and is currently a Fellow at the
University of Wisconsin-Madison’s Infant, Early Childhood and Family Mental Health Program.

Research Update:

Gluten-free diet linked to increased depression and eating disorders
December 30, 2011, Boston Globe
Having to follow a restrictive diet that limits the consumption of foods like bread and pasta has been shown to cause depression, disordered eating and impaired quality of life.

Music soothes anxiety, reduces pain
December 23, 2011, Psych Central
Researchers have documented that that listening to music can be effective for reducing pain in high-anxiety persons.

Questioning decisions can lead to unhappiness
December 16, 2011, Psych Central
Overanalyzing and then second guessing one’ decisions can lead to stress and unhappiness

Blog Archive:

Other predators that I have seen others encounter: rage that burns up themselves and their relationships, feeling inadequate and full of shame, an abusive relationship, a “dead” relationship, fears to follow their dreams, a family situation, being a “good girl”, believing that we are unlovable, procrastination, believing we are not creative, or buying into the culture’s or family’s ideas of who we should be.
www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Happy New Year!

Clinic News:

Things are well at the clinic. I am so fortunate to have a job that I love- when I got back from our anniversary trip, I was very excited to get back to seeing clients! We have some good news about insurance: we WILL continue to be in the Humana network for 2012. Previously I had told our clients that we would not be in the network, but we were able to work things out. Tricia Schutz wrote an article on parenting for this newsletter- she is the mother of 2 young girls. I have not made any resolutions for 2012, except I will continue with Pilates; it’s helped my aches and pains enormously, and I brought a yoga mat to the clinic so that I can do some stretching during downtime. Now that the holidays are done, focus on caring for yourself and your needs- sleep well, move your body, eat foods that are satisfying, and do something creative (write, draw, paint, sing, dance). Til next time, be gentle with yourself and others.
Devona Marshall, clinic director

Family Rituals

By Julianne Morrison

With the holiday season approaching, quality family time is on my mind. As part of my check-ins with clients during this time of year, I really like to review how we choose to celebrate during special times, and more everyday occasions. I tend to joke about what my children will talk to their therapist someday, and while we can never predict everything that will make their lists, you may rest assured that the events, people, and celebrations in our lives which make regular appearances, will be remembered!

Here are some of the holiday rituals that my family of origin practice:

Easter season brought the typical Easter Egg hunts when the kids were little, but here is a creative twist that keeps everyone interested….My mom started an Easter Egg Scavenger Hunt some years back. Each party guest is assigned a color of the refillable plastic eggs, and gets a list of clues…these might be “grandma is watching,” to refer to an egg hidden behind a familiar photo. The eggs can be customized with favorite candy, money, or affirmations—you know who gets what color! We are a bit competitive, so there is also a bunny trophy for the guest who finds all their eggs first!

OK, they aren’t all sentimental fun…who among us has not feasted on a heart shaped meatloaf for Valentine’s Day…or maybe it is just me L

Each of my siblings and I got a shopping day with my mom, during December. We would buy presents for the family “from us,” and have a special lunch out, just the two of us! It made me feel special to know that she had that time to spend with each of us, and there was an emphasis on our own choices. There were many lean years when we couldn’t afford much, but I will always cherish the time together.

Seafood every Christmas Eve, like my dad remembered while growing up in Germany. Family was central to our holiday celebrations, and I know that he missed his family so far away—we continue this one still, it reminds us of my dad and our loved ones overseas.
Each of us likely practice similarly cherished everyday rituals: bedtime stories, Sunday morning pancakes, report card day ice cream, birthday dinners (at my house, it’s whatever they want…eggrolls and pizza, anyone?), raking leaves together, Friday movie nights, snowman building, group manicures, or a favorite must-watch TV show. Taking these events from the mundane, to the ritual level, elevates and reinforces the habits that strengthen bonds, let our families know that we will sacrifice for them, and that belonging to our family has meaning. It’s also a nice practical application of the “ratio idea” of positives-to-negatives….what if we made sure that for every chore, we had a couple of everyday rituals for balance?

Sadly, when our relationships are in a rut or not perceived as fulfilling, the holidays, and every-days, can bring a microscope to the problem issues. I like to reframe these occasions as an opportunity to evaluate “What is right with relationships and rituals?”, “What are the deal-breakers?”, and “How can we prepare to firm up our boundaries?”, so that the good memories outweigh the bad, … a topic I’ll address next month. Cherish the old!, and never forget, our actions today shape the future for our families, ….every day is a new opportunity to let the people in your life know that you care, by practicing and initiating rituals.

Julianne is a psychotherapist practicing at KMC, who enjoys working with clients to heal, and to maximize past, current, and future relationships.

Blog Excerpt:

When is it time to bare your teeth?
There are other predators out there though, some internal and some external who will tell you that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, who make fun of your gifts and your desires, tell you that you make bad decisions and shouldn’t trust yourself. When this happens, it is time to bare your teeth, growl and demand that they back off!

devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Clinic News: We are sad to announce that Bill Driscoll and Anne Warren are both leaving us, and we wish them the best of luck in the future! Tricia Schutz is doing a talk on children and trauma at the Family Center, website address http://www.wcfamilycenter.org/ for more information. Tammy Ricke and Lester Menke are both up and running and seeing adults and couples. Some of the clinics’ specialities include art therapy with children/adolescents/adults, attachment therapy, and couples work. We take most insurance including Medicaid and Badgercare, and offer flexible appointments. Referrals can come in by calling the clinic or by emailing, and we can check your insurance benefits before the appointment. Contact Dorothy for insurance information: 262.388.9425 or Dorothy@kettlemorainecounseling.com. Thank you for considering us and also recommending our services! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and I enjoyed reading Julianne Morrison’s article on rituals! Til next time, be gentle with yourself and others.

Devona Marshall

The Back to School Issue

On Teens:

They need you in their lives even when (and especially when) they act like they want nothing to do with you. I have recently been blessed with my adult son (now 23) who has told me what a good mom I was and how much he appreciates me. If you would have seen us when he was in the midst of teen years, you too would be amazed at what his perspective is now. What a gift! And I can honestly say, I too never thought he would feel thankful for all that I have done for him over the years; a part of me was afraid that he would feel “disdain” for me forever. He has so changed and so has our relationship- we both appreciate and understand each other so much more. So my advice is hang in there! It does get better as they mature and their brains develop.

Love them despite their crankiness, and be there even as they push you away. Get support from other parents for yourself so that you can deal with the rejection without taking it personally. Laugh at the craziness! It all will be over sooner than you know.

Devona Marshall
Parent of 3, 2 that are still in their teen years.

Research Update:

Parents need to change attitude about homework
September 2, 2011, Medical News Today
Parents with supportive attitude rather than focusing on completing an assignment or getting a higher grade, helped to improve child’s attitude and motivation
Instilling confidence in teens
August 26, 2011, Fox News
Parents need to have a conversation with their tweens or teens “about being a leader in their own life – not a follower.”

Happiness tends to deter crime
August 24, 2011, PsychCentral
Happy teens are less likely to be involved in criminal activities or use drugs.
www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com
Blog Post on Graduation: It can be such an exciting time! But also so difficult! Who am I, what do I want, what’s expected of me? BIG questions for sure, but if we have the luxury to even ask those questions, we are fortunate, because for some their only question is “how do I survive?”

Somehow we all learn to muddle our way through those early adult years, often with scars and disappointments, but also with more courage and sturdiness inside of us that we can handle the challenges that come our way
JoEllyn Schultz/Deb Graf/Bill Driscoll/Tricia Schutz/Lori Landy/Layne Sampson/Anne Warren/Julianne Morrison/Angela Waldoch/Tammy Ricke/Devona Marshall
www.kettlemorainecounseling.com

Clinic News: We have had a lot of changes this past month! I am happy to announce that Kettle Moraine Counseling has added a NEW office location in Cedarburg. We have a new therapist joining us, who has many years of experience in the field- JoEllyn Schultz, LCSW – she will be working solely out of the Cedarburg office, and has a busy practice seeing adults and couples.

The new office information will be added to the website shortly but the address is N62 W248 Washington Ave, Suite 203, in Cedarburg Square. All correspondence will still go to our West Bend location. Tammy Ricke, APSW has joined our team!! She comes with many years of experience in the mental health field and will be seeing adults. Her profile will be up on the website shortly.

To set up an appointment with her, just call the clinic, or email tammy@kettlemorainecounseling.com. Welcome Tammy and JoEllyn. Also, in the very near future, Lester Menke, LPCT will be joining our merry band. In other clinic news, Bill Driscoll has taken a full time job as a director of a non profit, so his hours with us will now be limited.

I spent a week training with Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD and I learned so much! It was a week well spent and I have been incorporating some of the things I learned into my therapy sessions. Some of my recent blog posts are a way to integrate the information I learned from her.

School is back in session, and I have 2 children in college and one in high school. It is not easy getting back into a routine after the late summer nights. We are all taking more naps! Enjoy the upcoming fall months, and especially the soon to be changing fall leaves.
Devona Marshall
Clinic Director

Insurance concerns? Would you like us to check benefits for you? Please contact Dorothy at 262.388.9425 or Dorothy@kettlemorainecounseling.com.

Attachment Challenged Children Are Biologically Unable to Attach

Children are born with a biological need to connect to people. The first two years are critical! Pay attention to your emotions as you read about Sammy and Tyler when they were four months old.

Sammy woke up from his nap crying. The parent picked him up saying, “Good morning, little one,” comforted him, held him close, looked into his eyes while feeding him, and changed his diaper. Afterwards, they
played. Making eye contact with Sammy, the parent smiled, cooed, stroked Sammy’s cheek, talked softly. Sammy watched and gradually started copying his parent.

In contrast, Tyler woke up from his nap crying. He was ignored for a long time. Eventually, the parent screamed, “Stop your crying!” grabbed Tyler, plopped him on a pillow, shoved a bottle in his mouth, and stormed off. In the background was chaos, swearing, yelling; and the place reeked of alcohol and drugs. The parent came back and sternly shrieked, “Ah, you stink! I’ve got to change a dirty diaper again!” While the parent roughly changed him, Tyler saw a scary grimace on his parent’s face.

Most of us would feel calm, relaxed, and “ahhhh” as we think of Sammy. With consistent positive experiences, Sammy’s brain cells connect to provide permanent hardwiring that at an unconscious level says, “I am safe. I can trust my parents. I am important.” This forms Sammy’s basic, biological expectation for his whole life.

However, with Tyler’s story most of us would feel agitated and “yucky”. With consistent negative experiences, Tyler’s brain cells connect to provide permanent hard-wiring that at an unconscious level says,
“No one will take care of me. I’m bad. This world isn’t safe.” Tyler becomes stressed and at an innate biological level is in survival mode to take care of himself.

Fast forward four years. Sammy wants to please his parents, obeys most of the time, has fun playing with his parents, explores his world, and plays with children. In contrast, Tyler has to control everything! He
emotionally connects with no one, has no desire to please anyone, has no empathy, plays by himself, and mistreats others. His brain is hardwired to be this way. It is not his choice. Tyler feels that to give up control would be to die.

Attachment Therapy

Many parents adopt needy children thinking that with their unconditional love, the child will learn to trust
and change their behavior. They soon realize that traditional parenting techniques do not work with
attachment challenged kids. In fact, the more love given, the more the child may resist. It’s disheartening
to realize that the brain connections established in the first two years of life are permanent. Is there
anything that can be done?

Yes, but only if we meet their needs on an emotional biological level. Intensive narrative attachment
therapy has had very positive results in creating new neurological connections that override the old
fear-based connections (this is called neuro-plasticity). This therapy involves parents and child, once a
week for two hours, for a total of 10 weeks.

For more information, please call Debra S. Graf, LPC. She has been trained in intensive narrative attachment
therapy and can be reached at 262-334-4340 or deb@kettlemorainecounseling.com.

Exciting news from our clinic! We brought on a new therapist, Angela Waldoch, who has a strong background in Art Therapy. I have included her bio in this newsletter. Her email address is angela@kettlemorainecounseling, or you can always call if you would like more Information or to set up an appointment- 262.334.4340. Welcome aboard Angela! Also included in this newsletter is a piece that Deb Graf wrote on what attachment therapy is and can do (one of her specialties!) Enjoy. Devona Marshall

Angela Waldoch
Sometimes talking is simply not enough. Sometimes things are just too difficult to express with words alone. Art and imagery is a universal language that can help express feelings, emotions, and stories when
words fail us.

Angela is an experienced art therapist and holds a Masters in Art Therapy with an emphasis in Counseling from Mount Mary College. She has worked with diverse individuals across the lifespan. Her areas of
interest and specialties range from:

• Children /Adolescent behavioral and emotional issues
• AODA
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Bereavement / Grief / Loss
• Trauma

Angela’s approaches are grounded in her beliefs on life, love, and growth. Everyone has their own life story, complete with interpretations and unique personal experiences. She wants to provide the space where
her clients are able to share their story and make their own narrative. Angela uses strength-based approaches alongside art making and other expressive treatments when necessary, to help her clients
experience their feelings in the present, tell their story, and help make informed decisions about moving forward. We cannot control what has happened to us, but we can make informed choices that better who we are,
and where we would like to go. She would like to help you along the way.

Please call or email to schedule an appointment with Angela.