Teen Counseling | Kettle Moraine Counseling

I don’t know how to punish my teen for “bad behavior” – nothing works

This summer hasn’t been easy without central air conditioning! The mugginess really got to me, but as I write this newsletter, the weather is perfect- high of mid 70’s during the day and lows in the 50’s at night- very good sleeping weather.

Question of the Month: I don’t know how to punish my teen for “bad behavior” – nothing works and I am frustrated and angry.

This is so common- the punishments and rewards we used on our children when they were younger, do not work when they become pre-teenage and teenage. We need to parent differently and it isn’t always easy. Here are a few tips to make it easier on you and them! 1. use phone/ TV/ internet as rewards and/or punishments, but in SHORT time frames; when we take things away for too long a time, they lose interest, and feel like they will never dig themselves out of the hole they created- a day, a weekend of losing a privilege is usually a long enough time, although I have taken my daughter’s cell phone away until her grades got up to C’s (which took much longer!). 2. the same time frames should work with grounding- don’t let the hole get too big- even day by day is a good time frame to get cooperation and compliance. 3. when they are earning rewards, shorter time frame again- letting them know they are making progress toward BIG rewards is good, such as putting money aside for the cell phone/ipod, etc. 4. try and let the “clean your room”, not be your standards- it’s a losing fight with most kids so just close the door and ignore it. 5. follow through- do not make idle threats- they don’t work and your child knows that. 6. pick your battles – say yes when you can and NO when it really counts. 7. Talk to them often, focus on their good qualities, let them know you see the good in them, and remember the teen brain is still developing. It will get easier. I promise!
Devona L Marshall sees teens, individuals, families and couples in her practice. She is a parent of 3 and understands the challenges and rewards in parenting as our children start to spread their wings. She can be reached at Devona@kettlemorainecounseling.com

We have openings for new clients and accept new referrals! We are on most insurance panels, and we have day, evening and weekend hours for your convenience.

We also have 2 new therapists starting in the next few weeks who will join our experienced team. The September newsletter will highlight those ladies and their expertise.

August 2010 Newsletter of Kettle Moraine Counseling Services!

We have been trying to get the kids on a better sleeping regiment in anticipation of school starting- but it hasn’t been going too well. Thank goodness we have a few weeks yet to change these habits.

Most of us as parents want to start the school year off on a good foot. Here are some tips to make that happen:

Start the sleep schedule a few weeks ahead of time.
Try and be consistent with schedules and meal times. Healthy eating and exercise can go a long way in helping us feel strong and adapt to change.
Make homework a priority and part of the routine. When doesn’t matter, but a routine does. As your children get older, give them more responsibility for it. Parents won’t always be there and giving them the responsibility is good for their development.
Encourage a lot of sleep the first 2 weeks because the adjustment can be difficult on their bodies- from the lazy days of summer to all day in school.

Have fun on the weekends! The summer will still be here for a few weeks after school starts, and make it a point to enjoy it while it is still here- swim, look at the stars, grill out- just enjoy those last days of summer.

Research Update:

August 6, 2010, USA Today Web use may be linked to depression. Teens who spend far too much time on the Internet run the risk of developing depression, a new study suggests.

Traumatic sexual incidents may cause serious mental health problems in the years after the events. From Medical News Today July 2010.

I am worried my child may be using drugs. I don’t know what to do!

I got the pleasure to spend time this past weekend (at our cabin) with some of my nephews (and two of my children), who are all mainly teens, and what a fun experience!

Question of the Month: I am worried my child may be using drugs. I don’t know what to do!

This is a question we often get as counselors, and it is certainly a scary time for parents when they have some suspicions about drug use. Keep talking to your teen, share your suspicions in a calm manner. Do not accuse but ask about use. Explain why you think they may be using drugs.

Will they be honest with you if they are using? Probably not, but you are opening the lines of communication. Give your teen some education around drugs and their effects when the opportunities arise- do not over dramatize because they will not listen. Information is power. Monitor who your child’s friends are (you can’t choose their friends, but you should know who they are) and where they are hanging out.

Call parents to make sure there is supervision when they are going to another teen’s home. Establish and enforce rules about checking in with you when they are gone. Spend time with your teen and talk with them, not at them. Will this prevent or stop all drug use? No, but having a relationship with your teen will help in the good and bad times. Knowing that you are checking up and in with them regularly, gives teens a sense of safety and consistency even though they will complain about it. And seeking advise/help from a school or community counselor is always a good option to help you navigate through these magical, yet difficult years!

Devona Marshall, the clinic director and psychotherapist, has a blog where she writes about therapy, life and being human. It can be found at www.devonamarshall.blogspot.com or www.lostinrelativity.blogspot.com

Hanging with Teens

I got the pleasure to spend time this past weekend (at our cabin) with some of my nephews (and two of my children), who are all mainly teens, and what a fun experience!

We sat around the campfire, talking about our first kisses, and everyone participated. I have to say my sister’s answer to that question was quite interesting! We also talked extensively about drugs and let’s just say, they are exposed to a lot. Way more than I ever was as a teen, and it’s so much more available.

I am proud of how they are all making their way through those teen years, with challenges I never had to face. But they are making THEIR way through.

My sisters and I raised our children together, and that has been a huge blessing. The support we get from each other in the parenting department is invaluable. And I know they love my kids and want what’s best for them.

There was a lot of testosterone flowing this weekend- wrestling and seeing who was stronger. I wonder if they will ever outgrow that? There is definitely a hierarchy based upon strength and size among these cousins, and as a female, it’s pretty foreign to me!

On Monday we all went home and back to duties-them school, the adults- work.

I feel blessed.
Devona

Happiness may come with age, study says
May 31, 2010, The New York Times

A new study has found that by almost any measure, people get happier as they get older, but researchers are not sure why.

Tips for Teens

I have teens, so I understand how easily what seems like an innocent question/inquiry turns into your teen stomping off to their room and refusing to speak! So here are some tips I have that can help reduce the chances of a defensive

Think before you ask! Teens often see questions by parents as “snooping” and some can get defensive before the parent even asks anything! So know that how you word the question is important- sound curious, not confrontational. It’s imperative to reduce/get rid of sarcasm in your voice because many teens are very sensitive to sarcasm from parents.
Any time your teen wants to talk, stop what you are doing and listen. For many parents, these moments don’t happen often enough, so when they do want to talk, take advantage, even if it means delaying cooking, cleaning or chores. Will your teen say I want to talk? Probably not, but if they start talking to you about stuff, listen.
Try not to give advice unless asked, or if you ask if they would like advice. Much more likely to listen to what you have to say this way. Don’t problem solve too early into the conversation.
This is a reach for some parents, but asking your teen for advice on problems in your life builds their confidence and recognizes that your child is wise. Try it, you may be surprised what nuggets of wisdom you get!
Asking questions of each other, such as from the book IF or the game Imaginiff or the Ungame are great conversation starters. I have learned so much about my own children and their friends by using these products.
Everyday look for ways to compliment or notice something positive they have done. Works for adults too!
Don’t take things too personally from your teen. I know this is a hard one, but important. Chances are their “attitude” has nothing to do with you, but something that is going on with friends.
And finally, these tips are not going to work all the time! But they should work some of the time, and the important thing is to continue to try and build the relationship, so that when things go south, which they will, your teen is more likely to listen to you (eventually!).

Devona L Marshall is a therapist at Kettle Moraine Counseling in West Bend WI and she has two teens in high school and a 21 year old who gave her a run for her money when he was a teen. She can be reached at Devona@kettlemorainecounseling.com