March, 2017 | Kettle Moraine Counseling

Bringing Light to Rage

Recognizing and honoring our rage is an important part of our journey to wholeness. Although abiding with our rage and deep hurt is never easy, the rewards are great. By not working through our rage, it can wreak havoc in our lives.

Treat your rage as a powerful guide, and it will surely bring gifts of insight and self-awareness!

In my own live, particularly my early years of marriage, rage and anger needed to be brought to the surface and exposed to the light. My anger seemed to be triggered by very small things- usually because I felt rejected or abandoned. However, while I was experience these intense emotions, I did not recognize my true feelings. It took several years of acknowledging and expressing my feelings of hurt and rejection to achieve balance on this issue in my marriage.

Not always, but often, what is behind our rage is hurt and sadness. By recognizing our hurt, first to ourselves and then others, our rage often becomes assuaged. When we don’t shine a light on our rage, it can consume us. We can burn up ourselves and others with the intensity of this emotion. Most uf us know people who walk around always anger and defensive. Although our rage can be a useful tool in fighting injustice and oppression, if it becomes a chronic state of being, we are emotionally limited and at risk of wounding the people we love.

Rage can be our teacher- looking at our anger tells us a lot about ourselves. In her book Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes “We can come very close to reconstructing the wounds of childhood by closely inspecting what adults lose their tempers over.” What a gift rage can be! An opportunity to heal old wounds awaits us every time we hold steady and bring the light of consciousness to these intense emotions.

One of the most powerful ways I have found to work through rage is to acknowledge when we feel angry, and put ourselves on “hold”. Here, we don’t do anything, but be with the anger. Breathe in and say to yourself, “I know I am feeling angry right now”. Breathe out and say, “I can take care of my anger.” After you have focused on your breathing for a few minutes, the next step is to ask yourself “What else am I feeling? Is there something else going on here?” Observe what arises. Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn is a wonderful resource for those who want to better understand this powerful emotion.

Tips for Teens

I have teens, so I understand how easily what seems like an innocent question/inquiry turns into your teen stomping off to their room and refusing to speak! So here are some tips I have that can help reduce the chances of a defensive

Think before you ask! Teens often see questions by parents as “snooping” and some can get defensive before the parent even asks anything! So know that how you word the question is important- sound curious, not confrontational. It’s imperative to reduce/get rid of sarcasm in your voice because many teens are very sensitive to sarcasm from parents.
Any time your teen wants to talk, stop what you are doing and listen. For many parents, these moments don’t happen often enough, so when they do want to talk, take advantage, even if it means delaying cooking, cleaning or chores. Will your teen say I want to talk? Probably not, but if they start talking to you about stuff, listen.
Try not to give advice unless asked, or if you ask if they would like advice. Much more likely to listen to what you have to say this way. Don’t problem solve too early into the conversation.
This is a reach for some parents, but asking your teen for advice on problems in your life builds their confidence and recognizes that your child is wise. Try it, you may be surprised what nuggets of wisdom you get!
Asking questions of each other, such as from the book IF or the game Imaginiff or the Ungame are great conversation starters. I have learned so much about my own children and their friends by using these products.
Everyday look for ways to compliment or notice something positive they have done. Works for adults too!
Don’t take things too personally from your teen. I know this is a hard one, but important. Chances are their “attitude” has nothing to do with you, but something that is going on with friends.
And finally, these tips are not going to work all the time! But they should work some of the time, and the important thing is to continue to try and build the relationship, so that when things go south, which they will, your teen is more likely to listen to you (eventually!).

Devona L Marshall is a therapist at Kettle Moraine Counseling in West Bend WI and she has two teens in high school and a 21 year old who gave her a run for her money when he was a teen. She can be reached at Devona@kettlemorainecounseling.com