blogs | Kettle Moraine Counseling

About Bullying

I am glad that this topic is getting all the media attention. As a teen I was on both sides of bullying- I was a bully (in middle school) and I got bullied (by older kids) in high school. I shudder when I think of some of the things I said to kids when I was in middle school (and this was a parochial school!).

Bullying

As a therapist I see adolescents who get bullied and who are the bullies. How not to raise a bully? EMPATHY building is the key, and how you do that is to try and help your child see the other’s perspective and how they feel. This takes practice and a lot of talking in the family. Empathy building begins at home- work at accepting differences, being tolerant, and reducing competition.

If your child is bullied- I feel for you and them. Help them to develop a support system and activities away from school (or where the bullying occurs) so that they have success and outside interests away from the bullying. Teach them ways to stand up for themselves (assertiveness skills), and get the school involved when appropriate.

Bullying a red flag for depression

April 21, 2010, MSNBC
Research shows that bullying can be a red flag for depression and suicidal behavior in both bullies and victims.

When Conversations Become Heated

Slow things down! Breathe! Breathing becomes shallow when we are upset-taking longer, deeper breaths calms the body and mind. Take 10 seconds to breathe.
If needed, take a Time Out, to compose yourself. An hour is usually more than enough-often 5-10 minutes will work too.
State your position, but listen to the other person’s side too! Look for some point of agreement in both sides- this is difficult, but with practice becomes easier. This tip is extremely important to stop gridlocks. The more each of you feel heard and understood the less likely gridlocks will occur.
Look for solutions/compromises. If there aren’t any (which will happen) agree to disagree, but be respectful of the other’s point of view. There isn’t a right or wrong, just different viewpoints.
Remember you are on the same Team. What’s healthy for the TEAM? If one person always wins, that is very bad for the team. Try and think in terms of win win for both people. You want your team to be strong and continue to grow!

Can Summer Jobs Prevent Teen Suicide?

Ahh, spring is coming soon to Wisconsin. I am noticing many people are feeling more energetic and optimistic with the periods of warm sunny weather. But for some people, the change in seasons causes lack of energy and apathy. SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is not just for winter months- it can occur during spring and summer months also. If you notice you have mood/energy changes during warmer (or colder) seasons, try and keep a log of these changes and for more information on SAD, see www.webmd.com

Can Summer Jobs Prevent Teen Suicide?

Unemployed adults know that the isolation and lack of routine created by joblessness can be devastating to mental health. However, a new study has shown that teens too may benefit from working, at least during the summer.

A University of Iowa study found that teens at risk for suicide due to factors such as depression, obesity and experiencing same-sex attraction are less likely to be suicidal if they work a paid summer job for 20 hours or more per week. This buffering effect was greater than others such as attending church, participating in sports or living in a two-parent home.

Working over the summer is thought to be empowering, increasing teens’ self-esteem while minimizing isolation, while not producing the conflicts of working over the school year.

The only time this does not hold true is when situations at work create additional problems for teens, such as harassment. Young workers may be especially vulnerable to such abuses and should be taught to speak up if they occur, caution researchers. From: www.findcounseling.com

Devona Marshall, the clinic director and psychotherapist, has a blog where she writes about therapy, life and being human. It can be found at www.devonamarshall.blogspot.com

All relationships have conflict, it’s how you handle those conflicts that is important!

Introversion & Extroversion

Mary loves going to parties and interacting with a lot of different people gives her energy. When she is alone too much she may start to become tired and depressed. Parties tend to be a chore for Susan. She prefers to talk with one

Mary loves going to parties and interacting with a lot of different people gives her energy. When she is alone too much she may start to become tired and depressed.

Parties tend to be a chore for Susan. She prefers to talk with one or two people at a time. When she is with people for long periods of time, her energy level becomes depleted.

Mary and Susan have two very different ways of being in the world. Terms used to describe this would be Extroversion and Introversion. Carl Jung first coined these two words, and there has been much research to support his observations and typing of people. Although we all have elements of introversion and extroversion in our personalities, one of these attitudes are usually our preferred way of being- how we tend to feel the most comfortable. Knowing our preferred attitude and honoring it in your life can be important for psychological well-being.

Extroverts make up about 75% of the population (US). They love being with people, tend to think aloud, and are sociable and have many relationships. Extroverts are more interested in what is happening around them (external), than what is happening inside them (internal). They get energy from interacting with people.

Introverts make up 25% of the population. They need their private space and tend to enjoy solitary activities (reading, meditating, working alone). Introverts are more interested in what is happening inside them versus outside of them and tend to limit their relationships to only a few people: they get their energy from being alone.
Most of us have a pretty good sense of whether we are more introverted or extroverted, but if you are unsure, the questions you can ask yourself are:
Where does my energy come from?
Do I refuel through alone time, or does being with others tend to charge me?
Most people have one preferred attitude, such as extroversion, while the introverted side of them is not as developed.

We all need to interact with others, and we all need time alone to reflect and to be with the inner world- both attitudes in our lives are essential. For most of my life I thought I was extroverted because interacting with others wasn’t difficult and I enjoyed it (in small doses). Our society favors extroversion and I had this bias that I needed to have a lot of relationships and lead groups/activities, which often left me feeling exhausted. Now I know my preferred attitude is introversion and I honor myself with lots of time alone and I limit the amount of activities/relationships I get involved in. Unmistakably, I feel so much better!

Furthermore Carl Jung said that as we grow older, especially at midlife or so, we need to turn inward and pay attention to what is happening inside of us. Especially in early early adulthood, extroverted activities help us to make our way through the world when we are going to school, building a career, establishing a family, etc. Introversion helps us through the second period of life. Looking within helps us to answer the big questions in life:
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
Who am I?
Meditating, praying, journaling, working with our dreams and reading are all ways to become more comfortable with the inner world and to find some answers. Within the solitude our wisest self emerges and helps direct both our inner and outer lives.

References:
Please Understand Me by Keirsey and Bates
The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.D

Reducing Defensiveness

One of the best communication skills for couples that I have come across is a way to reduce defensiveness in our relationship. This is difficult to do, but greatly increases the closeness and understanding with your significant other. When communicating about heated topics, searching for and acknowledging areas of agreement can be very powerful in helping both parties feel understood and to reduce the chances of stalemate. For example, if you are disagreeing over discipline for your teen, acknowledging that you both love the child and are trying to do what is best can greatly reduce the defensiveness and eventually lead to solutions you both feel comfortable with.

So often in our arguments with our significant other, we don’t necessarily want to “win”, we want to feel understood, and when we feel understood, we are much more willing to look for areas of compromise. When both parties do not feel understood or listened too, it’s almost always going to continue to be a “perpetual argument”. Perpetual arguments wear down a relationship over time. Most relationships have some perpetual arguments, but it’s how we handle those arguments that are the most important. Remember the health of the relationship needs to be more important than being “right”, because being “right” will eventually lead us to loneliness, whether we are still in the relationship or not. Looking for areas of agreement will lead to a closer stronger relationship!

Bringing Light to Rage

Recognizing and honoring our rage is an important part of our journey to wholeness. Although abiding with our rage and deep hurt is never easy, the rewards are great. By not working through our rage, it can wreak havoc in our lives.

Treat your rage as a powerful guide, and it will surely bring gifts of insight and self-awareness!

In my own live, particularly my early years of marriage, rage and anger needed to be brought to the surface and exposed to the light. My anger seemed to be triggered by very small things- usually because I felt rejected or abandoned. However, while I was experience these intense emotions, I did not recognize my true feelings. It took several years of acknowledging and expressing my feelings of hurt and rejection to achieve balance on this issue in my marriage.

Not always, but often, what is behind our rage is hurt and sadness. By recognizing our hurt, first to ourselves and then others, our rage often becomes assuaged. When we don’t shine a light on our rage, it can consume us. We can burn up ourselves and others with the intensity of this emotion. Most uf us know people who walk around always anger and defensive. Although our rage can be a useful tool in fighting injustice and oppression, if it becomes a chronic state of being, we are emotionally limited and at risk of wounding the people we love.

Rage can be our teacher- looking at our anger tells us a lot about ourselves. In her book Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes “We can come very close to reconstructing the wounds of childhood by closely inspecting what adults lose their tempers over.” What a gift rage can be! An opportunity to heal old wounds awaits us every time we hold steady and bring the light of consciousness to these intense emotions.

One of the most powerful ways I have found to work through rage is to acknowledge when we feel angry, and put ourselves on “hold”. Here, we don’t do anything, but be with the anger. Breathe in and say to yourself, “I know I am feeling angry right now”. Breathe out and say, “I can take care of my anger.” After you have focused on your breathing for a few minutes, the next step is to ask yourself “What else am I feeling? Is there something else going on here?” Observe what arises. Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn is a wonderful resource for those who want to better understand this powerful emotion.